Back To My First Love

Have you ever experienced that overwhelming feeling of being lost and tired?

You know that God is with you, but your soul is too numb and tired to even feel Him.

Last year, I experienced it once again. I could not remember the exact date or when it started, but the first part of December was the peak of that so-called “Dark Night of the Soul.”

That feeling when you don’t know where it’s coming from, but it was a bunch of twisted thoughts and emotions pounding me.

I thought maybe I got tired of things and thinking about questions that still don’t have answers.

It was even hard for me to pray. All I wanted was to escape from everything and rest my mind.

I asked the Lord for help. But God seemed silent.

That was really frustrating.

It’s hard when you can’t see the Lord. Life has no direction.

But despite everything, I was in a state of grace. The force that pulled me out of bed to do my tasks was God’s grace.

Way Back to God’s Heart

On December 15 of last year, I traveled back to my province to spend the holidays with my family.

I went home without any plans of going back to Manila.

In my mind, I just wanted to take a rest.

I want to find the Lord in everything, especially in my heart.

In that search for my life’s purpose, I was led into full submission to the will of God.

I retreated from asking the Lord questions about my life and its direction.

I came to a point when I prayed without saying any words from my mouth and just being in His presence.

It was in that moment of total surrender that I encountered Christ.

I found my way back to God’s heart.

In the sacred heart of Jesus, the Lord reminded me of what is basic and essential—the simplicity of life.

He helped me get back on track by simplifying the life that I had complicated with my own thoughts and standards of the world.

He helped me redefine the meaning of life based on His standard, as I was too occupied by human and worldly standards.

He reminded me again of our relationship, which really matters the most.

He, as my God, and I, as His daughter.

He, as my Master, and I, as His servant.

He, as my Father in Heaven, and I, as His child, precious and beloved.

There is so much peace in the heart of Jesus. Away from the noise of the world and the distorted wisdom of human standards, I found my purpose back in my First Love, which is Jesus Himself.

I realized how simple my dreams had been.

All that I ever wanted was to follow the Lord’s will and to remain in Him. I just forgot over time.

It was such a blessing that I went home to our province. I just wanted to escape from the world and rest, but God gave me more than that.

I found Christ, my heart’s deepest desire.

And God found me. There is nothing more precious than the Lord.

Even if there are still no answers to my questions, God alone is enough.

I don’t need to know everything.

God sometimes allows it, so there would be room for trust.

I found peace in the presence of the Lord and in the knowledge that God is with me despite the uncertainties.

Fire to Serve

Life is not always convenient. But it is through those inconveniences that we grow in love, in faith, and in our relationship with the Lord.

When I sought the Lord in those moments of confusion, God made things clear for me.

During the Holy Communion of Misa de Gallo, God spoke straight to my heart.

“Ayaw biya-i ang pagpangalagad. (Do not stop serving.)”

This struck me as it was very tempting to pray for my own preferences and just live for myself.

But the Lord, in His grace, led me into full submission to His will and to embrace the things beyond my control.

Whatever and wherever He leads, God must have a purpose for it—a purpose that I need to submit to.

Not my will, but the Lord’s will be done.

All set for God

As I step out in faith to respond to the call of God, I decided to follow the Lord one step at a time.

Then again, I am reminded that whatever happens, I must remain in the Lord. Because what matters most to the Lord is my heart.

Before I’m a servant, I am His child—precious and beloved.

Though the future is full of uncertainties, I will continue to listen and hold on to God’s love and promises.

I do not need to know everything. I just need to trust in the Lord.

Heart To Commit

In all of these, it’s always about the Lord and His kingdom.

I am just happy that I found my way back to God’s heart.

I found peace back to my First Love.

I have a heart to commit because my heart belongs to the Lord.

In Christ,

Kiana

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